Sunday, April 27, 2008

Of Chuck Norris

I came up with a list of Chuck Norris facts only read these if you need a laugh, they ain't funny if you're happy while reading them...if you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you're dead.

1. Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

2. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

3. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

4. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

5. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

6. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

7. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

8. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

9. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

10. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

11. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

12. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

13. According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

14. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

15. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

16. There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

17. When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

18. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

19. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

20. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

21. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

22. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

23. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

24. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

25. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

26. When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

27. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

28. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

29. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

30. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

31. Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

32. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

33. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

34. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

35. When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

36. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

37. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

38. Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

39. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

40. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

41. Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

42. There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

43. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

44. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

45. Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.

46. Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

47. Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

48. Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

49. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

50. Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

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